2025 Draft — Not That Drunk

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Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has reviewed the Not That Drunk draft board, and Jeremy Peters — the man who has executed eighteen career trades yet somehow still ends up with more picks than a ball boy at the combine — has turned in a C-plus effort that is, frankly, very on-brand. His 2.01 and 3.01 are legitimately good value: falling eight slots at pick 25 is the kind of patient, disciplined drafting that makes Roger feel things he isn't prepared to discuss at this podium. Then pick 3.08 happens — a player consensus had at 48, grabbed sixteen slots early — and the wheels come off faster than a Patriots football needle at sea level. And then pick 4.08: consensus rank 72, taken at 44, a reach of twenty-eight slots that I can only describe as a crime against the bylaws, specifically Article 11, Section 6(c)(ii), which prohibits panicking in the fourth round when your big board has clearly been compromised by… whatever Jeremy is drinking. The league office wishes Not That Drunk the best of luck, and suggests he spend the offseason thinking about what he has done.

Ladies and gentlemen, after extensive review of the 2025 draft class submitted by one Jeremy Peters of the Not That Drunk organization, the league office is prepared to render its official retrospective verdict. The headline is Jaxson Dart at 2.01 — a legitimate B+ haul, the kind of pick that makes Jeremy feel like a genius at the bar around pick three of his drinks, and frankly he earned it. Terrance Ferguson held his own at TE, though "held his own" is commissioner-speak for did not embarrass anyone. Then we get to Brashard Smith — a C-minus, a pick so forgettable that Roger had to read the name twice and is still not confident he pronounced it correctly... what was the question? Per Article 11, Section 4(c)(ii) of the league by-laws, a composite of 61.95 earns a B-minus and a gentle suggestion that eighteen career trades have not, in fact, made Jeremy a better evaluator of running backs.