Not That Drunk

Ladies and gentlemen, after extensive review of the 2025 draft class submitted by one Jeremy Peters of the Not That Drunk organization, the league office is prepared to render its official retrospective verdict. The headline is Jaxson Dart at 2.01 — a legitimate B+ haul, the kind of pick that makes Jeremy feel like a genius at the bar around pick three of his drinks, and frankly he earned it. Terrance Ferguson held his own at TE, though "held his own" is commissioner-speak for did not embarrass anyone. Then we get to Brashard Smith — a C-minus, a pick so forgettable that Roger had to read the name twice and is still not confident he pronounced it correctly... what was the question? Per Article 11, Section 4(c)(ii) of the league by-laws, a composite of 61.95 earns a B-minus and a gentle suggestion that eighteen career trades have not, in fact, made Jeremy a better evaluator of running backs.

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its formal post-mortem review of the Not That Drunk 2024 rookie draft class, and the verdict is — fine. Just fine. Jeremy Peters, the most trade-happy bastard in this league, somehow sat on his hands long enough to accumulate five picks and walked away with a B-minus, which is frankly better than his average finish suggests he deserves. The crown jewel here is Isaac Guerendo — snagged at 4.08 like he was an afterthought, composite of 70, performance score of 76 — a late-round dart that actually hit something other than the wall. The low point, per the official record, is Ben Sinnott: looked promising on draft day, performance score of 55 says he's been about as electric as a Packers playoff run… which, per Article 11, Section 3(c), is not a compliment. Jalen McMillan also turned in a 47 performance score, which the league office is choosing not to dwell on for reasons of professional courtesy. On further review, 18 career trades and this is the draft class Jeremy is most proud of — Roger isn't entirely sure what that says, but it probably says something.

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its formal review of the 2023 rookie draft class submitted by one Jeremy Peters — a man who trades more than he breathes and somehow still hoards picks like a dragon sitting on a hoard of picks. After extensive deliberation and two bourbons, we are prepared to render judgment: the crown jewel here is Dalton Kincaid (1.09, composite 91), a tight end steal that frankly should not have been available at nine, and the less said about Jayden Reed — drafted with an 81 and performing at a 62 like a man who forgot he had a job — the better. The surprise of this class, however, is Michael Wilson at 3.07, a third-round pick that graded out at 86 composite and made Jeremy look like a damn genius, which the league office does not say lightly and will probably regret saying. Per Article 11, Section 2(d) of the Dynasty Retrospective Charter, a composite B at 75.47 across seven picks is a solid class — not dominant, not embarrassing — which feels about right for an owner whose fingerprints are on half the trades in league history and who still somehow can't crack the top half of the standings. Don't @ me.