2023 Draft — Not That Drunk

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Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its formal review of the Not That Drunk rookie draft class, and Roger is prepared to deliver his findings. Jeremy Peters — the man who has made more trades than some franchises have made decisions — somehow showed restraint with six picks, and the results are… mixed, at best. His 2.11 selection is a goddamn reach of historic proportions: consensus rank 32, taken at slot 23, which is the draft equivalent of paying full sticker price and then tipping the dealership. On the other hand, his 2.12 is the steal of the round — eight slots of pure value sitting right there at 24 while everyone else apparently took a bathroom break… the league office commends this, reluctantly. Overall, a B- feels generous for a class built on two solid first-rounders, one savvy mid-round grab, and one pick that suggests Jeremy was already on his third drink by the time the third round started — Don't @ me.

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its formal review of the 2023 rookie draft class submitted by one Jeremy Peters — a man who trades more than he breathes and somehow still hoards picks like a dragon sitting on a hoard of picks. After extensive deliberation and two bourbons, we are prepared to render judgment: the crown jewel here is Dalton Kincaid (1.09, composite 91), a tight end steal that frankly should not have been available at nine, and the less said about Jayden Reed — drafted with an 81 and performing at a 62 like a man who forgot he had a job — the better. The surprise of this class, however, is Michael Wilson at 3.07, a third-round pick that graded out at 86 composite and made Jeremy look like a damn genius, which the league office does not say lightly and will probably regret saying. Per Article 11, Section 2(d) of the Dynasty Retrospective Charter, a composite B at 75.47 across seven picks is a solid class — not dominant, not embarrassing — which feels about right for an owner whose fingerprints are on half the trades in league history and who still somehow can't crack the top half of the standings. Don't @ me.