2024 Draft — Bleacher Bums

→

Ladies and gentlemen, the Bleacher Bums are on the clock — and for once, Brian Hillman is not embarrassing this league office. The pick at 2.04 is highway robbery; ten spots of free value in the third round is the kind of thing that gets a man promoted, and Roger is genuinely startled to be saying that about a franchise averaging a finish of nearly tenth place. The 2.02, however — taking a consensus 22 at slot 14 — is a reach so aggressive it damn near required a league inquiry; per Article 11, Section 3(f), we reserve the right to confiscate picks made under the influence of misplaced optimism. Still, a B-plus composite on five picks is… respectable, and Roger will not let personal history with the Bleacher Bums poison this moment… mostly. If those later-round steals pan out, Brian might — might — finally claw his way out of the bottom quartile where this franchise has spent what feels like its entire natural life.

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its formal post-mortem of the Bleacher Bums' 2024 rookie draft class — and after extensive review, Roger is prepared to say, with all due institutional gravity, that Brian Hillman did not completely embarrass himself. Brian Thomas Jr. at 2.01 stands as the undisputed crown jewel of this class — an 82 composite that held up, which, frankly, is more than the Bleacher Bums' season record can say. Meanwhile, Trey Benson at 2.02 — a 58 composite, a whimper of an RB2 flier — is the kind of pick that makes Roger want to pour a fifth old-fashioned and stare at the ceiling. Nabers looked like a B when he should've been an A, Penix was drafted like a genius pick and performed like a committee decision, and Polk… Polk is simply what happens when hope outruns film study by about thirty yards. Final grade: B (71.4) — perfectly adequate, historically mediocre, distressingly on-brand for a franchise averaging a 9.75 finish. Don't @ me.