Bleacher Bums

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its annual review of the Bleacher Bums' 2025 rookie draft class — and the verdict, after consulting no fewer than three analysts and approximately four old-fashioneds, is fine. Just fine. Tetairoa McMillan at 1.03 was the obvious crown jewel — a composite 88, the kind of pick that makes Brian look like he knows what the hell he's doing, which frankly the career record suggests is a statistical anomaly. Savion Williams, however, was a disaster dressed up in a 75 draft-grade costume — a 39 performance score that has no business existing on a roster that already knew how to lose without any help. The middle of this class is exactly what you'd expect from a franchise averaging a 9.75 finish: serviceable, forgettable, and quietly disappointing in ways that won't show up until it really matters. Per Article 11, Section 3(d) of the league by-laws, a B- composite grade is hereby classified as "doing the bare minimum," and the league office has noted this on the permanent record — right next to the 2022, 2023, and 2024 entries.

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its formal post-mortem of the Bleacher Bums' 2024 rookie draft class — and after extensive review, Roger is prepared to say, with all due institutional gravity, that Brian Hillman did not completely embarrass himself. Brian Thomas Jr. at 2.01 stands as the undisputed crown jewel of this class — an 82 composite that held up, which, frankly, is more than the Bleacher Bums' season record can say. Meanwhile, Trey Benson at 2.02 — a 58 composite, a whimper of an RB2 flier — is the kind of pick that makes Roger want to pour a fifth old-fashioned and stare at the ceiling. Nabers looked like a B when he should've been an A, Penix was drafted like a genius pick and performed like a committee decision, and Polk… Polk is simply what happens when hope outruns film study by about thirty yards. Final grade: B (71.4) — perfectly adequate, historically mediocre, distressingly on-brand for a franchise averaging a 9.75 finish. Don't @ me.

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its formal post-mortem of the Bleacher Bums' 2023 rookie class — and look, a B- is... honestly more than this franchise deserved, so let's all take a moment to appreciate the universe's generosity. Jaxon Smith-Njigba at 1.04 was the pick of the draft — a composite 96, the kind of selection that makes you think Brian might actually know what he's doing... before you remember the rest of the board. Charlie Jones at 4.04 exists as a reminder that not every late-round flier is hidden value — sometimes it's just a bad pick dressed in cheap clothes, and a composite 41 is the receipt. Chase Brown quietly went from a 37 draft-time score to a 94 performance grade, which is the most Brian Hillman thing imaginable — stumble into something good and still finish ninth. The league office is switching to its second manhattan of this review and remains, per Article 11, Section 6(c), deeply unimpressed by the overall body of work.