2023 Draft — Bleacher Bums

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Ladies and gentlemen, the Bleacher Bums have submitted their selections, and the league office has reviewed the results with the same rigor it applies to… all things it applies rigor to. Brian's first-rounder at 1.04 is a defensible reach of only two slots — solid, respectable, the kind of pick that says "I did my homework" even if the homework was a little light — but that third-round selection at 3.04 is a twenty-four slot reach, which is not a pick so much as a goddamn act of fan fiction. On the positive side of the ledger, the 4.04 at slot 40 against a consensus of 41 is — per Article 11, Section 3(b)(ii) of the Dynasty Draft Value Compact — technically a steal, and we will honor it as such, even if "stealing one slot in the fourth round" is the least intimidating flex in recorded sports history. The composite C+ feels… charitable, honestly, and Roger isn't sure the Bleacher Bums have done enough here to climb out of the franchise's well-documented… situation. We'll see, Brian. We will absolutely see.

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its formal post-mortem of the Bleacher Bums' 2023 rookie class — and look, a B- is... honestly more than this franchise deserved, so let's all take a moment to appreciate the universe's generosity. Jaxon Smith-Njigba at 1.04 was the pick of the draft — a composite 96, the kind of selection that makes you think Brian might actually know what he's doing... before you remember the rest of the board. Charlie Jones at 4.04 exists as a reminder that not every late-round flier is hidden value — sometimes it's just a bad pick dressed in cheap clothes, and a composite 41 is the receipt. Chase Brown quietly went from a 37 draft-time score to a 94 performance grade, which is the most Brian Hillman thing imaginable — stumble into something good and still finish ninth. The league office is switching to its second manhattan of this review and remains, per Article 11, Section 6(c), deeply unimpressed by the overall body of work.