Roger After Rehab

On behalf of the league office, after an exhaustive review of the 2025 draft class belonging to the franchise still called — and I cannot stress this enough — Franchise 4, Roger is prepared to issue his findings. Tyler Warren was, frankly, a damn good pull at 1.09 — a tight end who actually produced like a tight end, which in this league is rarer than Blake and Taylor agreeing on a team name. Jayden Higgins showed promise at the time of selection but the production didn't quite follow; a B+ with a 13-point performance drop-off is the fantasy equivalent of a great pre-game warmup and a forgettable game. And then there is Will Howard — a third-round quarterback taken with a draft-time grade of 34, a performance grade of not applicable, and an overall composite of 34, which is, to use the technical term, a shitshow — the league office formally notes that "n/a" is not a stat line, it is a cry for help. A B-minus overall is the grade of a man who aced one exam, passed another, and then didn't show up for the final… which, given that your team has been called Franchise 4 for four consecutive seasons, feels spiritually on-brand.

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its annual review of the 2024 draft class, and we turn now to Franchise 4 — a team that, four-plus seasons in, still cannot be bothered to have a name, which tells you everything you need to know about Blake Hoene and Taylor Hook's relationship with effort. On further review, Brock Bowers was the unambiguous crown jewel here — a composite 90, an A-, the kind of pick that makes you look like a genius even if everything else went sideways, and frankly the only reason this retrospective doesn't end in a fine. Devontez Walker, meanwhile, posted a composite 62 and a performance score of 56, which the league office is categorizing as technically a football player, and we will leave it at that out of professional courtesy. Kimani Vidal quietly outperformed his draft-day stock — a 34 draft value turning into an 81 performance score is the kind of thing that happens when you stumble into competence — and Adonai Mitchell held perfectly, boringly steady at 71 across the board, which is exactly the kind of pick a team called Franchise 4 would make. A B overall — respectable, anonymous, vaguely unsatisfying, just like the team name… just like the team name.

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its formal post-mortem on the Franchise 4 — yes, still called Franchise 4, no that never stops being embarrassing — 2023 rookie draft class. Their 1.03 pick stands as a genuine triumph, a composite grade of 95 that frankly exceeded what this office expected from two men who still haven't named their team. The 4.03 selection, meanwhile, earned a C-minus and a composite of 33, which is the kind of late-round dart that lands in the wall, slides down slowly, and hits the floor while everyone watches. The middle picks were fine — a B-minus and a C, the fantasy equivalent of ordering the second-cheapest wine at a restaurant and telling yourself you did great. Net result: C-plus, 58.71 composite, which is exactly the grade you'd expect from co-owners who put this much effort into choosing a team name.