2023 Draft — Rehab is for quitters

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Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its formal review of the Rehab is for Quitters 2023 rookie draft class, and Roger is — *hic* — prepared to render his verdict. Brandon lands the 1.02 and takes the consensus 3 at a modest one-slot reach, which is fine, perfectly fine, the league office has no notes on that, but the steal of the night belongs to the 4.02 — a player the room had pegged at 28th overall, snatched up at pick 38 like someone left a fifty on the bar and Brandon was the first one to notice. The biggest reach is technically that 1.02, but calling a one-spot premium a "reach" feels like a crime Roger is not prepared to prosecute tonight. That 1.05 is pure highway robbery — consensus one overall just sitting there at fifth, which either means Brandon got lucky or everybody else in this league needs to read a goddamn consensus board before they show up to the podium. B-plus. Solid class. Roger tips his old-fashioned in your direction, Brandon — don't make him regret it.

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its formal review of the Rehab is for quitters 2023 rookie draft class, and after consulting with several spreadsheets and — if Roger is being honest — at least one manhattan too many, we are prepared to render a verdict. Brandon grabbed two quarterbacks in the first round, which is either visionary or deeply unhinged, and the answer is mostly the latter — Bryce Young looked like a steal at 1.05 on draft night and proceeded to perform like a man trying to throw through a paper bag, dragging the class down with him. Meanwhile, Tucker Kraft at 4.02 is the kind of late-round heist that makes you look like a genius at the bar, a legitimate A-grade find who outperformed his draft slot by a mile and is the sole reason this class isn't a C. Marvin Mims is fine, in the way that a participation trophy is fine — nobody's framing it. Per Article 12, Section 8(d)(ii) of the league by-laws, a composite grade of B is an honorable result for a class held together largely by a fourth-round tight end and spite, and the league office commends Brandon accordingly — though Roger does reserve the right to revisit this ruling when Bryce Young remembers he's supposed to be good. Don't @ me.