Rehab is for quitters

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its annual review of the Rehab is for quitters draft portfolio — and after consulting with three fingers of bourbon and the official grading ledger, we are prepared to render judgment on Brandon Springer's 2025 class. Harold Fannin was the undisputed crown jewel — a B+ composite, drafted in the third round like some kind of clearance-rack miracle, and the man produced; per Article 11, Section 6(d), that is the kind of value that makes Roger feel things. On the other end of the ledger, Ollie Gordon is a C and frankly a C is being generous — a 45 draft-time grade on a guy who then posted a 55 performance score is the dynasty equivalent of paying Applebee's prices for Applebee's food. Cam Skattebo lands in the middle: undervalued at draft time, delivered more than expected, solid B- work from a man who was apparently sleeping in Brandon's lap for seven picks before anyone noticed him at 2.07. Net verdict: a B- class that probably feels better than it is because Fannin is doing the heavy lifting while Gordon quietly pretends none of this happened. The league office is cautiously optimistic, mildly suspicious, and has switched to a manhattan. Don't @ me.

On further review, the league office has completed its exhaustive forensic audit of Brandon Springer's 2024 rookie class — a draft that can only be described as aggressively medium, like ordering a steak and receiving a steak. Rome Odunze at 1.05 was the crown jewel of this operation, a legitimate A- that frankly flatters Brandon more than he deserves given he also selected four wide receivers in a row like a man who has never heard of positional diversity. Braelon Allen at 4.05 is the low point — a C with a performance score of 43, which, per Article 11, Section 3(f) of the league constitution, is what we formally classify as "a pick made while distracted by the snack table." Roman Wilson and Javon Baker are both sitting in C+ purgatory, which is appropriate because purgatory is exactly where Brandon's dynasty ceiling appears to be located. The league office settles on a B- overall — technically passing, genuinely uninspiring, and in the best interest of absolutely no one's championship odds.

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its formal review of the Rehab is for quitters 2023 rookie draft class, and after consulting with several spreadsheets and — if Roger is being honest — at least one manhattan too many, we are prepared to render a verdict. Brandon grabbed two quarterbacks in the first round, which is either visionary or deeply unhinged, and the answer is mostly the latter — Bryce Young looked like a steal at 1.05 on draft night and proceeded to perform like a man trying to throw through a paper bag, dragging the class down with him. Meanwhile, Tucker Kraft at 4.02 is the kind of late-round heist that makes you look like a genius at the bar, a legitimate A-grade find who outperformed his draft slot by a mile and is the sole reason this class isn't a C. Marvin Mims is fine, in the way that a participation trophy is fine — nobody's framing it. Per Article 12, Section 8(d)(ii) of the league by-laws, a composite grade of B is an honorable result for a class held together largely by a fourth-round tight end and spite, and the league office commends Brandon accordingly — though Roger does reserve the right to revisit this ruling when Bryce Young remembers he's supposed to be good. Don't @ me.