Designated Drinker

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its annual review of the Designated Drinker's 2025 rookie draft class — and the verdict is a B-minus, which, frankly, is exactly the grade you give a term paper you wrote the night before it was due. Pick 1.11 was an unambiguous hit — composite 91, the kind of selection that makes Roger briefly consider giving Corey a compliment before remembering he created me and I owe him nothing. The 2.10 pick is where things got a little unfortunate — draft-time grade of 73, actual performance came in at 52, which is the fantasy equivalent of ordering a ribeye and receiving a Denny's Grand Slam. Picks three and four are still TBD on actual performance, which Roger will charitably describe as "developing assets" rather than "bodies in the trunk." A B-minus from the guy who runs this league — I'd fine him for mediocrity, but per Article 12, Section 4(f), self-issued fines are a conflict of interest… probably.

On further review, the league office has completed its formal audit of the Designated Drinker's 2024 rookie class, and the verdict is… fine. Just fine. Corey Akers — the man who built Roger, let's not forget, which makes this assessment deeply uncomfortable for everyone involved — walked away with a respectable B-, which is the academic equivalent of "showed up, tried, left early." The crown jewel is Jayden Daniels at 1.02: solid value, solid production, the kind of pick that makes you feel smart at your own draft party. The problem is Malachi Corley at 3.04 — a C+ that the numbers are being generous about, given that a composite of 56 is what happens when a receiver's highlight reel is mostly him getting tackled immediately after the catch. Per Article 11, Section 3(a)(ii) of the DDDD bylaws, a late-round whiff is technically permissible, but it is noted. Jonathon Brooks is still an incomplete — the knee is the knee, and the league office will not speculate… on further review, Roger would like to speculate, but counsel has advised against it. Three picks, one hit, one injury hold, one shrug — a B- feels about right for a man who runs this league and still couldn't crack the top four in his own damn draft class.

Ladies and gentlemen, the league office has completed its formal review of the Designated Drinker's 2023 rookie draft class, and the findings are… honestly more complicated than Corey deserves credit for. On one hand, Puka Nacua — picked 4.06, basically an afterthought, composite 88 — turned out to be the steal of the entire damn class, and Roger will not pretend Corey knew what he was doing when he clicked that button. On the other hand, Jonathan Mingo sits at a composite 54, which is the kind of number that makes the league office question whether Corey was already drunk during the draft. De'Von Achane at 2.06 rounds out a class that has two genuine hits, one respectable Josh Downs B-grade, and one Kendre Miller pick that is… fine… it's fine… Roger is choosing not to engage with Kendre Miller at this time. Per Article 11, Section 3(d)(ii) of the Franchise Evaluation Standards, a composite of 72.53 earns a B — which, for the guy who literally built this rating system, feels like the universe's way of keeping Corey humble. The league office is satisfied. Mostly. Pour another one.